Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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