Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
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You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
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hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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