Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
