They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I did not marry a roomba.
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