It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
