I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
