Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
