i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
