Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
