Plan B is the new Plan A
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
