theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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