Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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