I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
