Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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