I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
the liver wants what the liver wants
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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