i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
