you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
