It's Friday. Sex?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
