totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
this hospital has no fireball
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize