Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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