My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize