i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
