My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
