i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think I am morally bankrupt
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
