Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
