so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
