I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
