the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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