She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
