get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
