You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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