Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
