The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
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Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
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I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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