Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
