You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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