I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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