I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
