My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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