Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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