winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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