As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
