If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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