how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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