If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
