I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
