Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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