god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
