I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
