I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
