There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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