I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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