like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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