what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Randomize
