Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
