About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
